Typical CoParenting Issues Arising With Adolescents

Typical CoParenting Issues Arising With Adolescents

A key principle of helping adolescents and high school age kids through the period before during and after separation of their parents is to strike a balance. We want them to feel like they can express their views about the parenting arrangement as it relates to their ability to learn and grow and feel loved during a critical time prior to their going off on their own. At the same time, parents must make it clear that it's not their responsibility as an adolescent to make a decision about what is in their best interests. Parents must try to balance showing respect for their cognitive ability and independence with understanding that it's a vulnerable time for them and that as an adolescent the child still needs significant protection.

The Disciplinary Process

Rules and limit setting should be consistent and equally firm in both homes.

Even though you and the other co parent must remain in charge, adolescents need to be active participants in the discipline process so that they buy into that process. The disciplinary process must be thought of not only in terms of control but also as the process that helps to keep the adolescent safe.

Feelings of Abandonment

Adolescents may feel a sense of abandonment by one or both parents.  If they are continuing to reside in a house and one parent leaves, they may experience a sense of abandonment. Even if they live in two new homes after the family has sold or left their prior family residence, adolescents often feel lot of anxiety about whether that other parent is leaving them versus not being married to their parent. Both parents must consistently reinforce that the adolescent isn't  being abandoned by their parents and that their parents are switching roles from married partners to coparents. It should be regularly pointed out by both parents that the love of both parents remains.

Adolescence as A Time Of Identity Determination

This is already a time of experimenting and trying to understand their own identity. Parents' divorce  will contribute a sense of urgency to the adolescent trying to understand who they are and understand the relationship patterns around them.

Adolescents are the most likely to be overlooked in the divorce process because they are seemingly so fine.

As a parent, look beyond the mask of toughness the adolescent might wear and really try to determine for yourself by connecting with them emotionally how they're really feeling. Adolescents experience grief following separation and they will feel a range of emotions. including anger, sadness, and relief.

They are the most likely to be overlooked in the divorce process because they are seemingly so fine. This mask may be covering an emotional roller coaster.

Adolescents are close to the age of going off on their own. This adds a certain intensity to the divorce process which can feel like upheaval right before they're perhaps going to be going off to college or starting a job. 

It's not uncommon for a child to want to live closer to a particular parent, but that should not be seen as a child being more loyal or loving toward that parent.

Remember the key is to help adolescents and high school age kids through the period before during and after separation of their parents by helping them to feel like they can express their views about the parenting arrangement at the same time, making it clear that it's not their responsibility to make a decision about what is in their best interests, respect the adolescent cognitive ability and independence. Yet understand that it's a vulnerable time for them and an adolescent still needs significant protection.