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The Nine Rules of Shame

Shame typically involves being observed disapprovingly by others. Shame can hold us hostage to the unrealistic and hurtful standards of others.

Shame in a family, organization, or group involves the leaders openly criticizing another for a failure to live up to accepted norms or values.  Shame tells the one shamed that they are deserving of criticism and disapproval.

Shame is painful and terribly uncomfortable. It is a loud booming voice shouting to the world that the shamed person is inadequate, deficient, embarrassing, or unworthy. The powerful feeling of shame involves being drastically diminished, made smaller, and  lacking in dignity. Shame hits square in the face and unexpectedly.

While guilt focuses on the performance of an action, shame focuses on the self as a whole.

 Guilt refers to what I have done while shame refers to who I am.

A shame based person, family, organization, or relationship is necessarily rigid in order to self-perpetuate it's own rules.


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A Guide for Self Compassion in Mind, Body, Soul, and Relationships


Self Compassion Guide

What Does It Mean to Be Self Compassionate?

Through our thoughts and our behavior we treat ourselves with the same care and kindness as we would someone we love and care for. 

Self Compassion involves listening to our needs, rather than primarily focusing on what others want us to do or what the outside world dictates.

Goal for this Self-Compassion Exercise

Become aware of how you show yourself compassion and use this as a starting point for introducing more self-compassion. 

The Physical Component

Allowing your muscles to soften, release the tension from your body.

How do you care for your body?


What are some ways in which you could release tension and stress in the physical sense, or what are some techniques that already work?


The Mental Component

Not trying to regulate your thoughts, allowing them to come and go.

How do you care for yourself mentally?

How could you allow thoughts to come and go with greater ease: less regulation,...

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Two Step

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