Will you give yourself permission to  experience not just the sorrow of divorce but the opportunities for transformation?

Divorce As Catalyst For Transformation

Feeling hopeful about change, even painful change, and the opportunities it will bring, is an aspect of resilience and provides strength to move through the hard times successfully. 

There are many factors which keep us mired in the bog of what happened, in the mud of what we lost and in the fear of what is to come. If you are willing to go step-by-step, I believe you will move beyond your divorce into the life you want and deserve. Divorce is heartbreaking and challenging but it should not be punishing, or a good life ending experience.

The Life Quake of Divorce

Divorce uniquely positions you square in the flow of a changing life. The waves are sometimes tumultuous. 

Some of my clients become skeptical when I share that they can look at their life right now as an opportunity. They say that this is the worst...

Their relationship began brilliantly and Samantha and Tom went on to be married for 15 years.

They met in London while they were both participating in a fall semester abroad their senior year. Samantha attended college at Smith and Tom at Villanova.  Their universities held classes on the same campus and they met when they had both shown up at the wrong lecture hall for the first lecture in a series on life in London and found noone there but the other. By the time they found the correct location, the lecture was over and the two had already discovered they shared a love of fish and chips and so they had lunch together.

The two fell quickly in love and shared an extra week at the end of their term  traveling to the Greek islands of Mykonos and Santorini.

Arriving back in the states, just in time for the winter holidays, they met each other's families. Once the Spring semester commenced, they took turns visiting each other on the week-ends at each other's college...

I will answer this question by posing 4 critical questions.

First question:

Will you give yourself permission to experience the opportunity for transformation divorce uniquely positions you for?

Cut to a typical afternoon at work.

New clients look at me as if I'm BONKERS when I share that divorce is an opportunity for transformation. 

"Are you kidding?" MaryAnn asked "This is the absolute worst time of my life!"

I understand.

Having been divorced, been a divorce attorney, and a psychologist who specializes in helping people get through divorce, I absolutely get how torturous and heartbreaking divorce can be.

Divorce affects every nook and cranny of our lives! 

Not just affects but scrambles or smashes it all into pieces.

That is precisely why I call divorce a "LIFE QUAKE" which might as well be an earthquake if you happen to be caught in one.

Let's Be Clear: I take heartbreak very seriously.

It's because I do that I know divorce can do more than torture; it can be a...

There are 6 things you must lay down the law on with family & friends offering to star in the Drama of Your Divorce

Here, I will respectfully call family and friends by the loving acronym "F&F."

Divorce is a difficult process for everyone involved, including F&F.

However, you can not imagine how swiftly they can:

Make divorce and divorce recovery more complicated,

Make  the process even more stressful and difficult than it already is (It is possible!) and

Increase the level of conflict.

If you’re dealing with divorce meddling F&F, insist that they refrain from these activities in order to avoid the disaster.

1. Choosing

A common method of F&F meddling in a divorce is to choose sides. School them on the inevitable consequences.

F&F who choose sides in a divorce actually:

Make the process more difficult;

Prevent or delay conflict resolution, and

Keep the couple from reaching a settlement.

Insist that you will not condone the outward...

"One of the hardest parts of healing from past relationships, is learning to trust ourselves again."

When we subconsciously play out patterns in adult relationships that we learned from growing up in our families of origin, subconsciously hoping to heal the pain from those early days, and these adult relationships have led to heartbreak and pain - it makes us afraid to trust ourselves again.

Do you remember the last time you felt certain that you were doing what was best for you?

After a painful break-up we have an enormous opportunity to dive deeper into connection with our authentic selves  and regain trust in ourselves. 

How can we learn to trust ourselves again?

Through forgiveness and self-compassion.

Remember that every path you’ve walked, every choice you’ve made has provided you lessons that you can now use here, now, today!

The amazing fact that you notice your doubt in yourself means you are in the process of waking up to the patterns that are no...

Narcissistic abuse often equates with emotional abuse. It is difficult to find support when one is being emotionally abused by a spouse or ex-spouse, which makes the abuse even more devastating and isolating.

Why is it so hard to find support for narcissistic abuse? I have written before about the shame we may feel as victims of narcissistic abuse which makes it extremely difficult to ask for help. But there is another insidious reason that even when we have the courage to reach out for help, we may not be heard, even by the people who we are closest to.  

When we finally muster up the courage to share our experiences with a friend or family member, we relay the more recent incidents of cruelty and abuse that we have experienced.   We share with friends or family members the examples of the mistreatment not yet suppressed, and they may think none of the incidents were a big deal.

The friend or family member considers just the one or two accounts of emotional abuse...

I have been a divorce coach and family psychologist for over a decade.  Before that, I was a divorce lawyer. I have also gone through divorce myself.  As such, I have had a rather intimate view of what divorce entails. 

While I knew many of the effects and challenges of divorce and single parenting before I divorced, being divorced made these experiences real in a way that changed what they meant for me and brought to life many aspects that I could not have known as a divorce lawyer.

The divorce terrain is tumultuous. Knowledge of the divorce process is not enough to guide a client through divorce.  To guide someone through divorce, one must have empathy and creativity as well as being non-judgemental.  I prepare my clients both for what typically occurs and for some heart-pounding surprises. I also prepare them for the task of solving problems in new ways, leaving them with a valuable skill that they will utilize in many different contexts over their...